Why Steve jobs will never go to jail…EVER
Posted by iGor
Yesterday, Apple’s PR machine announced they believe that none of their top execs (including Steve Jobs) will be implicated in the backdating stock scandal making headlines and taking Apple’s stock on a financial roller coaster ride this week.
While this is certainly good news for Apple fans across the globe, the threat of any jail time for Jobs was laughable. Steve Jobs is no sooner going to jail than buying a Zune. While I certainly understand shareholders’ fears of a Jobs-less Apple, it seems many people have forgotten that Steve is not like other CEOs, or people in general for that matter. So for anyone losing sleep over the prospect of seeing Steve behind bars, let me explain why he cannot be found guilty of any crime.
Reason One: Steve Jobs is made of money
I don’t mean the “made-of-money, wow-is-he-RICH!”-type of “made of money”. I mean his body is actually made of money. Down to the cellular level. Because of this, the very idea he would steal money from anyone is ridiculous. It would be like you or I stealing carbon. He just doesn’t value it the way normal humans do. He would have no motive for stealing.
Reason Two: Steve’s “Realty Distortion Field” would eat a jury alive
Steve’s world renowned “Reality Distortion Field” is often joked about both in and out of the Mac community, but all joking aside, the RDF is very much a real threat to any prospective prosecutor. Steve’s ability to turn people’s minds towards his way of thinking is powerful enough to work on an auditorium of over 2,000 people. In fact, starting with advances made in QuickTime 5.1, Jobs’ RDF is actually powerful enough to work via streaming video. On the odd chance a case was brought to trial against him, focusing on the minds of 12 jurors seated less than 20 feet from him would be a walk in the park for Jobs.
Reason Three: The Ghost of Walt Disney
Finally, in the exceedingly unlikely event that Jobs were to be convicted of a crime, it would be overturned in a matter of hours. As we all know, Disney is a member of SN-5, the sinister corporate syndicate also comprised of Microsoft, Halliburton, Kimberly-Clark (makers of Huggies Diapers) and In-N-Out Burger, which controls the majority of the world’s governments. Jobs’ recent “merger” with Disney pretty much assures that Halliburton’s Dick Cheney will arrange a pardon for Jobs should the unthinkable happen (at least for the next two years or so…).
Conclusion
In the interest of full disclosure, I will point out here that I am both an Apple stockholder and addicted to In-N-Out Burgers. However, facts are facts, and I do not feel those constitute a conflict of interest or in any way discredit the arguments outlined above. I sleep soundly knowing that Mr. Jobs and Apple’s financial stability are protected by a rocket-powered guardian angel capable of dishing out a “Double-Double” dose of legal whup-ass should the SEC try anything. So please, fellow Mac Geeks, let this story go, and let’s all get back to what’s really important; namely, posting fake pictures of what the iPhone will look like.
Thank you.
Kick it old school with AppleIIGo Apple II emulator widget
Posted by Dr. Macenstein
Programmer Marc S. Ressl has developed an Apple II emulator called AppleIIGo, available as a Mac OS X widget, a webpage Java applet, and a mobile phone midlet. Using the widget, you can play such Apple II classics as “Lemonade Stand ” (One of Apple’s first games), Arkanoid, Tetris 2, and of course, Oregon Trail.
However, there is one caveat to using AppleIIGo, as the site explains:
“To fully use AppleIIGo you need an Apple ][, Apple ][+ or Apple //e ROM image. This ROM image is copyrighted by Apple, and you must be licensed to use it. If you own an original Apple II you are implicitly licensed to use the software in the ROM of that machine. You do not need to make a copy of your ROM, as ROM files can be found on the Internet."
To that end, Ressl is nice enough to include links to all the various Apple II ROM images and games you might want, but he writes (with a wink, if that’s possible):
“For your convenience you can see below a link to the Asimov FTP archive. Under no circumstance should you use any Apple II ROM image if you are not legally entitled to do so.”
RIGHT.
Well, we certainly doubt Apple is worried about protecting the intellectual rights of the Apple II series of ROM images, but just in case, we recommend if you have any interest in this, download it sooner than later. Just the fact that Tetris is involved could bring down the wrath of law firm Norris McLaughlin & Marcus, PA, who earlier this year attempted to (thanks MariusTh) shut down the makers of Tetris-clone-maker “Quinn”.
Thanks to Macenstein reader Heather S for sending that one in!
Apple expected to post record profits on sales of “Pages 2″
Posted by iGor
Apple is expected to report record profits during its January 17th Earnings Conference Call, and this time it is not its ubiquitous iPod music player that will get the credit. Instead, at least one analyst expects Apple to announce over $900 million in profit from sales of Apple’s “Pages 2” software, nearly doubling last quarter’s $546 million profit.
“Everyone is talking about Pages 2, you really can’t escape the media hype,” says Apple analyst Michael Steveniak. “Pages 2 was the media darling of last year’s Macworld Expo, but it really only caught fire with consumers going into the 2006 holiday shopping season. We’re pretty optimistic we’ll see a Pages 3 in about 11 days at the Moscone Center, and that is why we are setting a target stock price of $740 for Apple, and a “Buy it Now” rating.”
Pages 2 was released as part of the iWork ‘06 bundle last January alongside the “PowerPoint-killer” Keynote 2. Steveniak says this bundling may have hurt Pages 2, and be the reason for the slower than expected gain in mindshare. “It took a little while to build momentum, mainly because it wasn’t being marketed correctly. But all that changed starting around September when all the kids went back to school and started talking about this “new killer app” they found over the summer. Now, Pages 2 is pretty much the application most Mac new users are buying their MacBooks and iMacs for. Everyone wants to run Pages, and you need a Mac to do it. It’s a very sexy application. Keynote 2, however, is kind of like Pages‘ “fat friend” that tags along on your date.
Steveniak suggests if Apple sold Pages on its own it could conceivably create an even larger revenue stream for the company. “I have talked to many people who say they would buy an extra copy of Pages right now if Apple sold it separately from the iWork bundle, just for the box. That’s how into Pages Mac users are.”
Amazon credits MacBook/iPods for its best holiday season ever
Posted by Helper Monkey
Amazon today announced its best holiday season in the company’s history, and among the chief reasons cited were healthy sales of Apple’s iPods (various models) as well as its MacBook line of laptops.
Amazon failed to give specific totals at this time, but said “Top sellers in Consumer Electronics include Apple iPods (various), Canon Powershot Digital Elph Cameras and Garmin GPS Systems.”
As for Computers, “the top sellers were the Apple MacBook 13.3″ Notebook PC in white and black and the Sony VAIO 15.4″ Notebook PC.”
Amazon’s sales figures include www.amazon.com, www.amazon.co.uk, www.amazon.de, www.amazon.fr, www.amazon.co.jp, www.amazon.ca.
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