This is why virgins shouldn’t write sex apps
And just how the hell am I supposed to do that?
Purely for research purposes I decided to check out “A Sexy Party Game for Lovers 1.5“, one of the 40,000 “sex game-themed” apps on the iTunes store. And I hate to admit it, but apparently I am doing EVERYTHING wrong.
Hopefully the next tip says “Make up some excuse for your creepy behavior, like claim you have asthma, and try to get them back into the room.”
Getting turned on yet? This one actually should be easy, as I assume at this point their “secret fantasy” is that you’ll STOP massaging their hands.
Is this even physically possible? Whisper about one thing while singing about another..? Hold on, let me count my mouths… One… Um.
This guy also has an unhealthy fascination with people’s shoulders. Although not quite enough of an obsession to have learned to spell the word correctly… (Warning the following is NSFW. Not because it says anything dirty, but God help you if someone sees you reading this…)
OK, I’m there…
… so far so good…
…OK, I guess that’s different from the massage I just gave her shoulder… when are we going to actually get to DO something?
…hmmm… sing “delicately”? To THEM? As in BOTH shoulders?
… How am I supposed to lick my wife’s shoulder AND paint the bathroom, which I am pretty sure is her fantasy?
How do I “breath” on her shoulder?
Oh, I get it now. Just when she is about to go nuts, take the hand OFF the shoulder. But keep the breath. She is going to melt.
Hmm.. Ok, I think now I need to be at a right angle to her.. oh wait, am I supposed to be listening to HER heartbeats or MY heartbeats? Where’s my stethoscope?
I think at this point it’s safe to assume she knows…
By now I have run through my repertoire of songs I actually know the words to. Resorting to “Row Row Row your Boat”… Hopefully she is turned on by sailors…
Hey baby. Wanna go again? I could keep this up all night. Hey, where are you going?!? I haven’t even gotten to your elbow yet! Oh well… She’s probably gay or something.