Enquirer says Steve Jobs has 6 weeks left to live: Mariah Carey’s sister is a $250 per hour adult escort

Man, I am REALLY missing those days when the National Enquirer ran nothing but Big Foot sightings and alien probing stories. Unfortunately, in recent years the Enquirer has become a fairly accurate and legitimate news source, breaking some fairly major stories in the tabloid world, which is all the more disheartening as their latest headline claims that Steve Jobs has only 6 weeks to live.

If there’s a ray of hope we can take from the report, it’s the seemingly “just guessing”-like basis for the prognosis. According their sources (which appear to be a Florida based pulmonologist (breathing doctor) with no inside knowledge of the matter giving his opinion on Steve Jobs’ current health and lifespan prognosis based solely on looking at some photos taken of our favorite CEO entering the Stanford Cancer Center in Palo Alto, California last week), Steve’s weight loss is so alarming that he’s willing to pronounce Steve “terminal”.

Obviously we’re hoping this turns out to be more of a classic Enquirer Big Foot sighting than a current Enquirer‘s” John Edwards mistress scandal”, and our thoughts and prayers go out to the Jobs family.

via The Next Web and The Daily Mail

Comments
13 Responses to “Enquirer says Steve Jobs has 6 weeks left to live: Mariah Carey’s sister is a $250 per hour adult escort”
  1. dan says:

    You’ve got your publications wrong, the Enquirer doesn’t run BS articles about Big Foot. I am not saying they are the epitome of journalistic integrity, but they have been right many times over the years.

    Hope it isn’t true!

  2. mike says:

    in all seriousness: my dad was diagnosed with multiple myeloma a little over 3 years ago. he quickly started treatments and around a year ago he was declared to be in “complete remission.” (that’s as good as you can get because they won’t actually say the word “cure” in oncology.)

    he _still_ still sees his oncologist regularly. he has tests regularly to ensure he remains in remission. he _still_ has a maintenance dose of chemo every couple months or so.

    so, just because his steveness was sighted at a cancer treatment center doesn’t mean he’s at deaths door.

    nyah.

  3. imajoebob says:

    I’m hoping the class action suit will result in Apple shareholders owning The Enquirer in short order. (In no small part because it means Steve has to be okay)

  4. Slumpy says:

    The guy doesn’t even look like Steve Jobs. I wonder how much they had to pay the (obviously very sick) guy who stood in for the pictures.

  5. Michael says:

    Just got back from the bank with my $250. Now what?

  6. ArtOfWarfare says:

    Has Gates ever been on the cover of the Inquirer?

  7. On one hand, I have to say that even if it’s true, it’s like Mike said. I’ve had relatives in for cancer treatment, and each time, the end result was ‘cancer-free’. However, those people still see cancer treatment specialists for check-ups. Cancer is a thing where, once you get it, you get checked in on for the rest of your life. That’s the only way there is to learn anything about it.

    On the other hand, I do actually believe this one is bogus, for a number of reasons.

    A) When have we ever seen Steve wear a button down? I’m not saying mock-turtlenecks are all the man has, but I’ve yet to ever see him in a button down anything. Not even a full button down suit.

    B) In the picture on the left, look at his hair. Steve has always had very short salt-&-pepper hair. The person in this picture has a rather long little tuft of hair flapping in the breeze. Let’s remember that he had cancer. The last thing that would happen is a sudden burst of hair growth.

    C) In the picture where his hand is circled (for who knows what reason) he’s leaning up against a car. Unless he stepped off a curb, stumbled, and caught himself, I don’t think he’d just lean up against a car. A car which certainly does not have a Mercedes-Benz tail light.

  8. In the same issue of the National Enquirer that said Steve Jobs may have ‘6 weeks to live,’ we also learn of a Bat Boy sighting in Chicago.

  9. Geoffrey Wilkes says:

    This always makes me ponder which is worse. The one who publishes guesses and rumors or just plain made-up information ( there is no evidence about when that picture was taken or even if it is him) or the one who validates the crap by republishing it. Mr. Macenstein (you have to earn the “Dr.”) will no undoubtedly rationalize this post by exclaiming that if he didn’t post this then someone else sure would have, and he would be right. However, a big part of integrity and self-respect is knowing when to follow and when to lead. You sir, unfortunately aren’t there yet. At least have the balls to say, “Look, we know this is most likely just sensationalistic crap but we know it will get us a bunch of page views and we have bills to pay…” We may not like it, but at least we would respect the honesty of it.
    Take care,
    Geoffrey

  10. Min says:

    oops, posted under a wrong article

  11. memyselfandi says:

    OUR PRAYERS???? who the fuck is praying and why.. i hope he dies

  12. Jon says:

    Hmm, I don’t think that’s him in the photo. http://www.gearlog.com/2011/02/steve_jobs_at_dinner_with_obam.php That was atken the other day, doesn’t look the same to me.

Leave A Comment

ADVERTISE ON MACENSTEIN

Click here to inquire about making a fortune by advertising your game, gadget, or site on Macenstein.