Macenstein

Posted by iGor

Yesterday, Apple’s PR machine announced they believe that none of their top execs (including Steve Jobs) will be implicated in the backdating stock scandal making headlines and taking Apple’s stock on a financial roller coaster ride this week.

While this is certainly good news for Apple fans across the globe, the threat of any jail time for Jobs was laughable. Steve Jobs is no sooner going to jail than buying a Zune. While I certainly understand shareholders’ fears of a Jobs-less Apple, it seems many people have forgotten that Steve is not like other CEOs, or people in general for that matter. So for anyone losing sleep over the prospect of seeing Steve behind bars, let me explain why he cannot be found guilty of any crime.

Reason One: Steve Jobs is made of money

I don’t mean the “made-of-money, wow-is-he-RICH!”-type of “made of money”. I mean his body is actually made of money. Down to the cellular level. Because of this, the very idea he would steal money from anyone is ridiculous. It would be like you or I stealing carbon. He just doesn’t value it the way normal humans do. He would have no motive for stealing.

Reason Two: Steve’s “Realty Distortion Field” would eat a jury alive

Steve’s world renowned “Reality Distortion Field” is often joked about both in and out of the Mac community, but all joking aside, the RDF is very much a real threat to any prospective prosecutor. Steve’s ability to turn people’s minds towards his way of thinking is powerful enough to work on an auditorium of over 2,000 people. In fact, starting with advances made in QuickTime 5.1, Jobs’ RDF is actually powerful enough to work via streaming video. On the odd chance a case was brought to trial against him, focusing on the minds of 12 jurors seated less than 20 feet from him would be a walk in the park for Jobs.

Reason Three: The Ghost of Walt Disney

Finally, in the exceedingly unlikely event that Jobs were to be convicted of a crime, it would be overturned in a matter of hours. As we all know, Disney is a member of SN-5, the sinister corporate syndicate also comprised of Microsoft, Halliburton, Kimberly-Clark (makers of Huggies Diapers) and In-N-Out Burger, which controls the majority of the world’s governments. Jobs’ recent “merger” with Disney pretty much assures that Halliburton’s Dick Cheney will arrange a pardon for Jobs should the unthinkable happen (at least for the next two years or so…).

Conclusion

In the interest of full disclosure, I will point out here that I am both an Apple stockholder and addicted to In-N-Out Burgers. However, facts are facts, and I do not feel those constitute a conflict of interest or in any way discredit the arguments outlined above. I sleep soundly knowing that Mr. Jobs and Apple’s financial stability are protected by a rocket-powered guardian angel capable of dishing out a “Double-Double” dose of legal whup-ass should the SEC try anything. So please, fellow Mac Geeks, let this story go, and let’s all get back to what’s really important; namely, posting fake pictures of what the iPhone will look like.

Thank you.