Macenstein

Dear Steve,

As you well know, each year as Macworld San Francisco approaches, the various rumor sites begin to scratch and claw at each other over the smallest tidbit of Macworld gossip, leaning heavily on their “sources�, and using any means necessary to predict what mysteries your Keynote speech may contain. This year is no exception, and the entire Mac community is practically dripping with anticipation over the single most important announcement of the year.

Namely, the part of the keynote where you tell us how great the Apple retail stores are doing.

I, for one, can scarcely sleep the night before the Keynote speech. So anxious am I to hear about the retail store’s performance, I usually find myself pacing the halls, inevitably rushing back to my computer and hitting “reload� on my web browser, hoping against hope that some rumor site will have somehow gotten the scoop of the century, and leaked how the retail stores are doing before you get a chance.

Now, I have heard of your legendary temper and can scarcely imagine how mightily pissed you’d be if someone stole your thunder about the retail stores! But the store’s performance is apparently the most closely guarded of your secrets. How else can you explain that year after year, the one rumor we NEVER hear is how the retail stores are doing in advance of the keynote? I mean, it’s not as if none of the rumor sites care because they know none of their readers care! EVERYONE cares about the retail stores! Why else would thousands struggle to squeeze themselves into the tightly packed Moscone Convention Center, like Steve Wozniak trying to squeeze himself into last year’s pants? The want to know if there will be any new Apple Stores announced!

Yet somehow each year this juicy bit of news always manages to stay under lock and key until just the right moment…and then BAM! You let us know how the stores are doing in one simple word:

“Amazing.�

Amazing indeed Steve.

But what is even more amazing is how you somehow manage to consistently keep the rumor sites from spilling the hottest story of the year. The Apple retail store performance portion of the keynote is simply the most exciting and engaging live event I have ever witnessed. I have heard some people equating it to a 13-minute drum solo at a Molly Hatchet concert; a time to get up, stretch the legs, and head for the bathrooms. But the true Mac faithful could care less about the latest Intel iBooks, Wi-Fi iPods and such. Face it, if the retail stores are doing well, (excuse me, , if the retail stores are doing… AMAZING), then APPLE is doing… AMAZING. And that’s really what we all want, isn’t it?

To that end Steve, I think you really ought to streamline your Keynote speech a bit this year, and just give the people what they really want.

Here’s what I suggest:
1) Walk out on stage, tell us you have a lot of exciting things for us this afternoon.
2) Invite an Adobe rep to join you onstage to reaffirm his commitment to our platform.
3) Thank everyone for coming.
4) Then say, “Oh, and there’s one more thing�.
5) Tell us about how the retail stores are doing, and then get the hell out of there.

Anyone who wants more than that out of your keynote is not really your friend.

-Your buddy,
Lab Rat

(Special thanks to Wolfman Mac)