“Women’s issues” spawn some of the creepiest iPhone applications available - Macenstein

“Women’s issues” spawn some of the creepiest iPhone applications available

Women are beautiful creatures that have excited and fascinated man since the dawn of time. However, much the way many women enjoy driving a car but have no interest in how the engine works, most men do not want to know what goes on inside a woman, even one they love. For some reason, with the exception of a few freaks, guys find women’s issues somewhat creepy, and they become even creepier when turned into iPhone applications. Here are some of my favorites.

Breastfeeding Yes, I realize breastfeeding is one of nature’s miracles and all, but at the end of the day, there is still milk coming out of you, and that’s a little weird. I’m not sure how women got by before the iPhone. My mom raised 3 boys without an iPhone application that kept track of which breast she last fed us with, although now that I think of it, she’s totally lopsided. Maybe she could have used this app after all. I find this app disturbing not only for existing, but that bra looks like such a grandma bra to me, and the thought of breastfeeding is creepy enough without bringing grandma into the equation.

Granted I have never breastfed anyone, but the usefulness of this type of app escapes me. It seems that the times most women might get mixed up as to which breast they last used would be those 1AM, 3AM, and 5AM feedings, times when you are more likely to groggily pick up a cat and try to start feeding than have your iPhone handy to make an entry. Still, there are now five breastfeeding apps available on the iTunes store.

Baby Tracker: Nursing gets a special creepy mention for using a safety pic to indicate which breast was last used. Ouch!

Ovulation Calendar Ahh, if only every woman had an “Avoid Pregnancy” switch. But seriously girls, if you want to avoid getting pregnant, show your boyfriend the “Discharge Length” tracker. You should be safe for the rest of the day.

iWoman Cramps, PMS,… other?!? Uh oh. SOMEONE’S screwed. By the way, to a guy, there is nothing “normal” about bleeding (Although I suppose it beats the alternative). Yes, menstruation is another women’s issue that has spawned about 15 or so iApps to help women keep track of their cycle. While some are designed to help you get pregnant, and others to keep you from getting pregnant, they share the common trait of making the act of lovemaking seem horribly calculated, messy, and unromantic.

Above: iPeriod. Oh, for the love of God! who are you going to e-mail that info to?!?

Above: Lady Biz‘s display makes it look like you are dating the Terminator.

Yes, women are gross, but you gotta love them. In fact, most men love them so much, they would like to love multiple women at the same time. To that end, we present iCycle.

Finally! Now the guys can get in on the creepy period tracking goodness! iCycle is unique among the creepy period trackers in that it is designed to let a guy track the period of all his girlfriends. Plural. As in five or so. This is obviously a big problem for most men, especially studs like me.

So, whether you are a man trying to avoid children, or a lactating woman who wants more kids, odds are there is a perfect creepy iPhone app out there for you. Good luck!

10 Responses to ““Women’s issues” spawn some of the creepiest iPhone applications available”
  1. Mark says:

    Wish I could’ve seen the look on my face reading these, eww! I guess if I had any of the new Mac’s I could’ve seen my reflection…

  2. Trip says:

    this is why these applications are made for women, not for you, dummy – just stop looking they disturb you.

  3. Jason says:

    These apps baffle me. Anyone organized ewnough to enter all this data in on a daily/hourly basis doesn’t need these.

  4. Uber Eter-Pay says:

    They should totally add an “Old Battle-axe” rating to the last one.

    It would let you know to definitely stay away…

  5. Just Some Human says:

    This reminds me of the old joke.

    “Do you know what you call a couple that uses the rhythm method for contraception?”


  6. Richard says:

    I started reading these out to my wife, she have me the ‘ewww, i dont want to hear anymore’ .. lol.

    but seriously, WTF?? 🙂

  7. I’m sorry but the breastfeeding issue is somewhat moot.

    I mean it’s bad that milk comes out of the things we love to suck and yet it’s okay to drink milk out of an animals things that looks gross to suck on? That is bad bad logic in fact I take that back

    “That’s illogical captain”.

  8. Nedun says:

    My girlfriend will get a kick out of these useful apps.

  9. graham says:

    hey you lot-
    get real, bodies, periods, sex, life death, it happens,
    grow up, get used to it.
    Try acting like a grown up man, not some giggly boy.True women don’t have a GUI, but if you want to understand them, and get on with them, find out about them – for all our sakes.
    I’m son of a woman, lover of a woman, father of a woman, they’re all great, & I like to know what makes them tick. it helps me relate to them – try it, you might learn something about yourself.

  10. Daisy says:

    Hey, it’s no different than marking my paper agenda with a big red mark on the days of my period, something I’ve always done, something my mom has always done.

    Moms who breastfeed usually keep track on paper as well, I know my sister always made a note on what breast to use on the next feeding.

    Women who have been trying to get pregnant for years (yes it does happen) keep track of their cycle on paper, this has been happening for years.

    Useful applications that replace a lot of things women really do. We don’t just start doing those things because there’s apps available for it on the app store.

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