Steve Jobs has a long track record of pulling amazing, must-have gadgets seemingly out of his ass, but this is the first time we’ve ever heard of him sticking them UP someone else’s. Ars’ Jacqui Cheng reports on an unusual lawsuit filed last October by Jonathan Lee Riches against a Mr. Philip Woolston , Apple Computers, AND Steve Jobs. The hand-written suit is titled “Sexual Harassment with Apple Gadgets,” and alleges that Woolston (who works at the correctional facility where Riches is being held) sodomized Riches with an iPhone in a prison bathroom.

Above: Damn! How do I copyright MY name!?

So why is our beloved Apple Computers (apparently Riches didn’t get the name-change memo to Apple Inc.) and our even more beloved Steve Jobs being named in the suit as well? Well, Riches claims “Woolston told me that Steve Jobs would provide Woolston with Software databases to look up my mother who lives in Norfolk Virginia and come to Virginia to do me and her harm if I didn’t have sex with him.”

Given Steve’s wizardry with databases, this suit seemed entirely believable, and I was just about to tear down most of my Steve Jobs posters when I suddenly recalled that Riches is also the inmate who last year filed another anti-Jobs suit claiming Steve had hired OJ Simpson as a hitman to kill him. That suit was obviously ridiculous, as everyone knows Steve does his own killing.

Riches appears to have (temporarily) come to his senses, and a month later he voluntarily retracted his sexual harassment suit, writing “Philip Woolston and Apple Computers sexually assaulted me in my dreams and not in real life. I can’t sue a dream.”

Phew! That was close!

While we’re certainly relived to see Steve and Apple off the hook, we think Riches may be being a bit hasty with that dismissal. After all, this is America, Mr. Riches. You can sue ANYTHING.

  1. Josh says:

    Just one more person who felt sodomized after the iPhone’s price drop…


  2. Ethan says:

    “After all, this is America, Mr. Riches. You can sue ANYTHING.”

    The sad truth.

  3. Bunyip says:

    Guess where he can shove that lawsuit…

  4. R says:

    Well, I can sue a dream. Move over, a**hole!

  5. David O'Chen says:

    I’m surprised you haven’t heard of Jonathan Lee Riches. He’s perhaps one of the most famous frivolous litigators in the country. He’s in jail for Wire Fraud and apparently passes his time there with filings like this one. They always involve someone famous, typically have identity theft/credit fraud as a theme, and seem to be triggered by current events. Oh, and they ALWAYS make outrageous claims. Most of them get dismissed swiftly, but quite a few have made it to a judge’s desk – where they are promptly dismissed.

    Just once, I’d love to see an actual televised trial for one of these filings. Now THAT would be must see TV.

  6. Internet TV says:

    This is all a bit too weird – I believe it lol

    “Hey what are you doing back there?”

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