Apple set to announce they are buying Poland tomorrow - Macenstein

Apple set to announce they are buying Poland tomorrow

Apple PR sent out a mysterious press release today announcing that it will reveal what it plans to do with the MASSIVE $400 quintillion cash horde it has amassed over the past 3 years. With Apple’s record fiscal quarter last year and its stock price rocketing up 68% in only two months, Apple has now become the world’s most valuable company. Many people have been speculating that Apple will perhaps use that cash to finally once again issue stock dividends to its shareholders or perhaps issue a stock buy-back of some sort.

But that’s boring. Given how much fun the press has been having telling us things Apple is now worth more than (ie. the rest of the US’s retail sector combined, the world’s drug trade, the country of Poland, etc.) the smart money (or FUN money, anyway) would be on Apple announcing that it is going to buy something crazy, sort of like a 50 year-old investment banker deciding he’s earned a little reward for all his hard work and buying himself a Ferrari or stripper or something.

So, what do you think it will be? Personally I think Apple should announce it is buying Foxcon, and give all its workers a free iPod shuffle (the puke gold 2GB model that no one else wants, of course) pre-loaded with one of the good U2 albums from around 1992 or so. What say you?

Apple’s Press Release
March 18, 2012 22:00 UTC
Media Alert: Apple Conference Call

–(BUSINESS WIRE)– Apple Inc.:

WHAT: Tim Cook, Apple’s CEO, and Peter Oppenheimer, Apple’s CFO, will host a conference call to announce the outcome of the Company’s discussions concerning its cash balance. Apple® will not be providing an update on the current quarter nor will any topics be discussed other than cash.

WHERE: Via conference call. The dial-in number for press is (877) 616-0063 (toll-free) or (719) 219-0041. Please enter confirmation code 592016.

WHEN: Monday, March 19, 2012 at 6:00 a.m. PDT/9:00 a.m. EDT

REBROADCAST: The conference call will be available as a continuous rebroadcast beginning Monday, March 19 at 9:00 a.m. PDT/12:00 p.m. EDT through Monday, April 2 at 9:00 a.m. PDT/12:00 p.m. EDT. The dial-in number for the rebroadcast is (888) 203-1112 (toll-free) or (719) 457-0820. Please enter confirmation code 6274937.

3 Responses to “Apple set to announce they are buying Poland tomorrow”
  1. Brian says:

    No, I don’t think there will be any dividends being paid out except for those people that own share when they announce either a 2 for 1 stock split or a major buy back.

  2. andrew says:

    Perhaps Apple is going to announce that they are going to use every penny of their market cap if necessary, to squash Android – BECASE IT’S A STOLEN PRODUCT!

  3. andrew says:

    … on second thought, Apple is probably going to announce that they are going to spend as much as it takes, even if it takes every penny they have, to purchase the Macenstein Media Empire!

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