Macenstein

Now this is my kind of survey! (Apologies in advance for my gratuitous discussion of penises later on in this article).

According to the results of a survey of 2,011 American males, ages 18-30, conducted by CouponCodes4u.com, the desire to own the not-yet-announced iPhone 5 is so high that many men are willing to go through extreme lengths to get one, including SHORTENING the length of their penis by one inch if it meant being the first of their friends to get their hands on the new device.

“Respondents were then asked if they would trade in their old iPhone for the latest model when it is released this year, to which a majority, 85%, replied that they would. When asked if they would be willing to break their cell contract early to be able to buy and use a new phone, 67% of respondents said they would, while 33% said they would only if they were able to get an unlocked iPhone 5 to be able to use while abroad.

When asked what they would do if they could be the first person in the world to get the iPhone 5, respondents were asked to choose from multiple scenarios. According to the research, 61% of respondents were willing to give up sex for 6 months to be one of the first people to own an iPhone 5, while 59% replied that they would pay an extra $500 for the privilege of owning the new gadget first.

Surprisingly, 39% of respondents said they would be willing to lose an inch off their penis size for bragging rights, while 35% said they would trade in their laptop or even iPad for a desktop PC running Windows 95, but only if they we able to “get their laptop” back at a later date.

When asked why they would be willing to go through with these various scenarios, 81% of respondents said “they wanted to have something to brag about”, while 32% replied that they “never had a gadget before their peers” and wanted to be the first. 67% said that they wanted to have something that would make them “more attractive” to the opposite sex.”

So first, let’s just get the obvious joke out of the way – which is that I’m sure 90% of fish would give up bicycling for a year to get an iPhone 5 as well – meaning odds are none of these respondents were going to be having sex in the next 6 months ANYWAY, so no real sacrifice there. And let’s also point out that if you ask ME a dumb question like “would you lose an inch of your penis size for the new iPhone” on an anonymous internet survey, I probably will check “Yes” just to be a dick (no pun intended), playing the odds that no one is going to show up the next day with a New-in-Box iPhone 5 and a pair of hedge-clippers.

However, while the percentages might be a little different if there was a naked, willing Kate Upton in the room, or a hooded meat-cleaver-toting psycho leering at the pollsters, I suspect the underlying sentiment of the survey is likely true, and desire certainly IS running high for the new gadget, especially at MY house.

Although now that I think about it, the superstitious part of me that has seen so many Twilight Zone marathons over the years would NEVER agree to give up an inch of penis size, as you just KNOW somehow it would be one of those scenarios like when you find a genie bottle, and the genie inexplicably just wants to fuck with you by granting all your wishes with a slight twist that ends up screwing you in the end. In this case, the inch of penis they would take would be the FIRST inch – the one closest to your body – not the tip.

Wow this gives me the chills even talking about this. Anyway, new iPhone 5 announcement tomorrow. Let’s hope “losing an inch of penis size to get it” won’t be Apple’s “One Last Thing”.