This is why virgins shouldn’t write sex apps - Macenstein

This is why virgins shouldn’t write sex apps

sexy iPhone apps

And just how the hell am I supposed to do that?

Purely for research purposes I decided to check out “A Sexy Party Game for Lovers 1.5“, one of the 40,000 “sex game-themed” apps on the iTunes store. And I hate to admit it, but apparently I am doing EVERYTHING wrong.

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Hopefully the next tip says “Make up some excuse for your creepy behavior, like claim you have asthma, and try to get them back into the room.”

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Getting turned on yet? This one actually should be easy, as I assume at this point their “secret fantasy” is that you’ll STOP massaging their hands.

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Is this even physically possible? Whisper about one thing while singing about another..? Hold on, let me count my mouths… One… Um.

This guy also has an unhealthy fascination with people’s shoulders. Although not quite enough of an obsession to have learned to spell the word correctly… (Warning the following is NSFW. Not because it says anything dirty, but God help you if someone sees you reading this…)

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OK, I’m there…
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… so far so good…
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…OK, I guess that’s different from the massage I just gave her shoulder… when are we going to actually get to DO something?
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…hmmm… sing “delicately”? To THEM? As in BOTH shoulders?
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… How am I supposed to lick my wife’s shoulder AND paint the bathroom, which I am pretty sure is her fantasy?
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How do I “breath” on her shoulder?
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Oh, I get it now. Just when she is about to go nuts, take the hand OFF the shoulder. But keep the breath. She is going to melt.
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Hmm.. Ok, I think now I need to be at a right angle to her.. oh wait, am I supposed to be listening to HER heartbeats or MY heartbeats? Where’s my stethoscope?
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I think at this point it’s safe to assume she knows…
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By now I have run through my repertoire of songs I actually know the words to. Resorting to “Row Row Row your Boat”… Hopefully she is turned on by sailors…
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Hey baby. Wanna go again? I could keep this up all night. Hey, where are you going?!? I haven’t even gotten to your elbow yet! Oh well… She’s probably gay or something.

18 Responses to “This is why virgins shouldn’t write sex apps”
  1. Gussy says:

    I thought that maybe it was American spelling of shoulder, you know. Drop the U out, and you have a new word. Its plain creepy.

  2. Richard says:

    Dont forget, shoulder her shoulder, while shouldering up the side of her shoulder, then shoulder at the top of the shoulder.. and breath

  3. Blesstsnake says:

    brilliant article! Your comments are funny and entertainingly sardonic and I enjoyed reading this pretty much!

  4. Matthew Davis says:

    haha im trying to picture the guy that developed this…. wait, bad idea. haha

  5. chumba says:

    I can just now picture it, Steve Jobs find the app developer. Goes to his house, puts his bare feet on the dining table and interrogates if he is a virgin.

  6. thisisjohnny says:

    any way you slice and dice that, it’s creepy.

    and i think you’re giving virgins a bad name putting that headline on this ‘review’

  7. Paul says:

    It’s like sexually retarded Mad Libs. I wonder if “Seductively massage their nose with your sholder while delicately singing” is a possible combination?

  8. Anon says:

    Maybe it’s a new kind of sexy Twister(tm) game for the iPhone?

  9. I hope the developer was joking.

  10. David says:

    That was so bloody hilarious… Perhaps this app is for dogs traveling in the back seat of the car? “Lick their nose” (I suppose BOTH noses, driver and passenger) and “breath on their ‘sholder'” (and drool all over)? “Fulfill their secret fantasies”? (“Honey, having a dog was bad idea… we better get back to the baby thing…”).

  11. Pjotr NL says:

    Hold on, let me count my mouths… One… Um.

    that is the funniest thing I read all month

  12. I am so turned on by this. yeah my shoulders oh wait sorry I meant sholders are my secert spot to get me all hot and bothered. Seriously who wrote that app and was it supposed to be serious sex or laugh your ass off kind of joke on everyone who bought it cause I sure as hell would leave after the first couple suggestions going man this guy is a creep

  13. Digital Mercenary says:

    All your sholder are belong to us!

  14. A. Emre Ünal says:

    I nearly pissed myself laughing at the whole shoulder thing, brilliant writing Doc 😀

    P.S: Win goes to 13

  15. Loweded Wookie says:

    Ahhhh Google Translate you’ve done it again.

    When is there going to be a translation system that translates context not do a word for word translation?

  16. Colin says:

    I’m with 14…I was laughing so hard by the end I was crying.

    Great commentary, thanks for a good laugh!

  17. corey says:

    I think this is more ‘Engrish’ than ‘virgin’

  18. Raj says:

    I love the Simpson’s take on this with the Sexy Dice, “Whisper Into… Ass”

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